Sex Deprived Virgin No More

On May 7, 2008, somewhere between 3:30 am and 12 pm, I lost my virginity.

It was gone in a fit of hormones and short term desires; a night of temporary passion in exchange for the last shred of my self-control and restraint that I worked so hard to retain for the past 20 years.

It happened nowhere near how I ever expected or hoped for it to happen. In short, it just sort of "happened." I was in denial immediately after, but I could not lie to myself. My virginity was lost.

It was with a boy I met last summer through friends. I developed a small crush on him due to the fact I found him an enigma. He was mysterious and no one really knew much about him. His personality was witty, sarcastic at times even, with a hint of danger in everything he did just because he hid everything so well. Being curious by nature, I was set to unravel his pretenses and figure out just what was underneath.

It took almost an entire year before I was finally able to barely scratch the surface of his mind. By chance, we happened to spend some one-on-one time with each other and as he got to know me a little better, he realized that perhaps I was at least somewhat worthy to be given a chance in the relationship department.

Two weeks of talking and going on dates later, I was in his bedroom one night playing "just the tip." Eventually, the tip became... well, more than just the tip. A couple inches of his dick was going in and out of me at a good pace for quite a few minutes as I awaited my climax.

Shortly after, I paused to ask myself... am I still a virgin? It wasn't full sex in the sense that his entire dick was not in my vaginal canal, but the concept was the same: I just had intercourse. My virginity was lost.

The hours and days that followed were ones that gave me much anxiety. After leaving his place the next day, I immediately called six of my closest friends to reveal to them what had just happened to me. For some reason, I felt virginity loss had to be an accepted thing, and I needed my friend's reassurance that everything was going to be "okay," and that there was nothing wrong with what I had just done. After being reassured by more than a handful of people, my mind eased a bit.

But the truth was I was not okay.

Although my friends didn't judge me or find what I did wrong, the truth was I was supremely disappointed in myself. If someone told me this was the way my virginity was going to be lost even just one month beforehand, I would have expected myself to at least cry and feel ashamed of what had happened. The fact that I didn't react this way at all surprised me. Although I was not pleased with the way in which things occurred, I honestly couldn't say I completely regretted it. I would have liked to delay it just because it would cause less insecurities later on in the relationship so that I wouldn't question if I was "too easy," or if I was only being wanted for the sex. But overall, I think I was nearly a little relieved that it was gone.

The days that followed were filled with contemplation over whether I should continue on my sexual escapades or attempt to grow the relationship by holding back on the sex.

I always knew that once the dam broke, the waters were just going to pour. I didn't really expect myself to question the validity of my feelings and question how much I even valued this person whom I was sharing my most intimate moments with. I felt I was perhaps choosing two very concise and different paths. Either continue to embrace sex and fully explore it to its depth, or attempt to salvage the relationship and minimize if not completely retard the sex.

Sadly, I was embellished by temptation as I began to walk the first path. The sex that continued on henceforth was a little disappointing to say the least, and even a little embarrassing at certain points. Things I know probably wouldn't have made the slightest difference had two people developed feelings for one another, rather than getting into the deed simply to relieve physical desires.

Disappointing, it was all just so disappointing. It took several days for things to finally sink in and for me to realize just what had happened and just what my actual reaction was: disappointment.

And so, this blog is now no longer a valid part of my life.

(At least not the name.)